Let's talk about why you agreed to be in that article

And BBC Shipping Forecasts

Mar 08, 2023

Hello Gobbledeers,

How’s it going?

I thought for this week we’d take a quick spin around the gobbledy web and see what people are up to. Wanna come along? Great (you have no choice).

But first…

Who Wants Free?

Back when all of us here in New York City used to go to the office every day, there were a couple of free newspapers that were distributed at subway stations that provided a quick read (basically what Morning Brew does every day, except in newspaper form - or maybe it was like the New York Post, but without the dismemberment and bikinis).

At the station near us a woman would stand outside giving away the papers by repeating, hour after hour, “WHO WANTS FREE??????”

And people would go to her, because really, who DOESN’T want free?

Speaking of which, I’m offering a free 25-minute website gobbledy assessment. I know, you already know your website is full of gobbledy. Of course, But maybe your boss thinks it’s amazing. And if I’ve learned anything in my work life, it’s that your boss is far more willing to someone else other than you (or in my case, me).

So, if you want to go through your site and get some ideas about how to maybe make it clear to people what your company does, and then tell your boss that some guy came up with it (not you!) so we should do it, I’m available for this limited time offer.

Here’s my Calendly link.

(Also, we can talk about whatever. I do CMO coaching too, and sometimes CMOs just need to vent. I’m here for that. Frankly, we can use the 25 minutes however you’d like.)

(Begging finished.)

There’s a poetry to gobbledy…

I spend more time than anyone should reading, thinking about and working on website messaging. I started this newsletter because virtually everything I read was ridiculous. And I continue to think that virtually everything I read on software websites is ridiculous.

But - and maybe this is a Stockholm Syndrome type situation - I’m starting to find kind of a slightly beautiful poetry when you read random sites one after the other.

Every so often people re-discover the BBC Shipping Forecasts, a mesmerizing, never-ending series of weather forecasts for ships around Britain, and which people listen to to help themselves fall asleep.

Like software gobbledy, the shipping forecasts have their own rolling rhythm, where the words matter less than the ongoing stream of syllables lulling you to sleep (unless you’re captaining a barge off Orkney, in which case please stay awake).

Here’s a snippet of transcript from one shipping forecast:

Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire…Northerly or northwesterly 3 to 5, becoming variable 4 or less. Moderate or rough, becoming slight or moderate in South Utsire. Snow showers. Good, occasionally very poor….Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger, Fisher, German Bight…Northwest 4 to 6, decreasing 3 or 4, becoming variable 4 or less except in Cromarty. Slight or moderate in Fisher and German Bight, elsewhere moderate or rough, becoming slight or moderate in Cromarty and Forth. Snow showers. Good, occasionally very poor…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

But is it really any different than listening to this:

Kinda lyrical, no? The next Gobbledy podcast will just be me reading software websites as a sleep aid. You’re welcome.

Clarity

The question I get more than any other is, “Why can’t software companies just tell me what they do on their website?”

Great question, me!

Sometimes you can’t really put it into words. Which is why I’m thrilled that Kontent.ai created a simple graphic to tell you what they do.

Sign me up!

Me human person like software, it good!

I’m seeing more and more made-up quotes in testimonials, like this one:

You want to make up a quote? Go for it! I’m not going to stop you. But why would you make up a quote that includes such non-human English as “increased developer velocity” and “future proofed our stack”?

Here’s a hint: If you’re going to use testimonials (and you should!) take the opportunity to make the person sound like an actual human earthling who says something actual human earthings say. “Increase developer velocity” is the kind of gobbledy you just write on your site (and I get annoyed about, of course). You don’t need to pretend someone said it.

Working from home

I’ve mentioned a few times here about how companies equate putting out a press release with PR (or “getting press” or whatever), and obviously that’s stupid (but effective! We put out the release, now leave me alone!)

But getting your tech company mentioned in the actual press is always good (there’s no such thing as bad press), tho…

I read this article about tech companies’ struggles to decide what to do about bringing people back to the office, and the founder of Conductor (a search marketing company) is quoted in there and I dunno. I know that maybe all press is good press, but, yeah. I don’t know. Also Conductor has kind of a crazy back story where WeWork bought them (for some reason) and then the founder bought it back from WeWork. (Just letting you know.)

So the article is basically about how nobody really knows what to do about going back to the office except that it feels to some-to-many founders like it’s time to get everyone back to the office. But not 5 days a week - c’mon we’re not animals. But definitely not 0 days a week, this isn’t summer camp. Unless it IS zero days a week, because we’re remote-first and making people go to the office is inhumane. But what if we lure people in with beer! Because we think maybe people aren’t working hard at home, so y’know, beer in the office.

Here’s the Conductor guy, after showing the reporter 50,000 square feet of space that will eventually hold offices and a pickleball court:

“As much as it might be nice to save the money, I want to save our soul first…

Uh huh.

“I’m considering going to four days [required in the office],” Mr. Besmertnik said. “We definitely won’t go to five. And might just stay at three.”

Definitely.

At Conductor, which has required all employees within 90 minutes of an office to return three days a week, managers are ensuring that their teams adhere to the rules. Mr. Besmertnik believes that a lack of discipline, with hybrid work, leads to “self-fulfilling failure.”

So from the point of view of the company, they thought it would be good to participate in an article where the founder says that he has his managers making sure everyone who lives within a 3 hour round trip commute of the office actually comes in to the office, because he believes that hybrid work (despite the “we definitely won’t go to five days” in-office stance, which I believe is the definition of hybrid work) leads to self-fulfilling failure.

I’d assume, then, that being in the office leads to higher productivity, despite the beer and pickleball?

This was the PR plan?

Here’s my thought on getting press: if you’re just gonna wing it, please don’t. Know what message you’re trying to get across, and why having it in the Times is going to help get that message to the audience you want. Because I’m not really sure how you read that article and think to yourself, “gee, there’s a place I’d like to go work.”

(Unless you want your soul saved while playing pickleball.)

So, if we don’t get a chance to chat during the who-wants-free-25-minute-consult, have a great week. And please - if it’s no trouble on your end - click this button and share this thing with people. If they like it, you’re a hero. And if they don’t, you got to annoy someone. And what’s better than that?

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