New amazing AI tool keeps customers dry...
...And the shrimp just the right amount of wet
Hello Gobbledeers,
How’s it going?
The way I describe living in New York City is as follows:
The things that are good are uniquely good, and the things that are bad are uniquely awful.
But this morning I went for a run in Central Park, and it snowed last night, and if there is a prettier sight in a city than Central Park with a couple of inches of snow, I haven’t seen it.
(Yes, that was an oddly sincere and off-brand-for-me way to start the newsletter, but it really was quite lovely.)
That said - today in Gobbledy, a bit of software marketing that annoys me so much that I’m devoting the entire issue to it. And yes, I’m overreacting.
It’s Raining CRMen, Hallelujah…
If you’ve been on Earth the past few weeks, you’ve no doubt been subjected to this:
And it made me wonder…
Has this ever happened to you?
You work in a restaurant. Or maybe you run marketing for a restaurant. I’m not 100% sure. Maybe you’re a host or hostess? Don’t worry, you have a job in a restaurant.
The restaurant is located in a cool part of town, lotsa young people. People who want to be seen. You’ve got a nice outdoor seating setup to help bring in extra revenue.
Business has been good - you’ve gotten some great press, and then the celebrities started showing up. Matthew McConaughey, in fact! He stopped by after hearing how great your place is. Really enjoyed it.
Came back a few more times.
But then - it was a little strange. He liked the restaurant, but he came back alone. He didn’t want to bring any friends with him. You don’t see too many celebrities eating alone at your restaurant, so that seemed a little odd.
And that’s when it all went wrong for your little bistro.
You weren’t there the night of what’s now become a well-publicized fiasco. You were at young singles pickleball - you really look forward to it. It’s not exactly a dating thing, but it’s nice to meet other people your age - total bonus if you end up dating one of them (Evan, specifically), but if not, pickleball is fun in a bowling or ping pong kinda way (except for a couple of those finance guys, who take it just as seriously as they take everything else...except dating you, of course.)
But when you get to work the next day, Trish calls the staff together in a meeting, and, based on the whispers you hear on the way in amongst the waitstaff, you know exactly what this is about.
“Guys,” she says - though you really hate when she says, “guys” because, obviously…but it’s hard to get mad at Trish, who you guess is late 40s, early 50s, divorced, and has been working since nobody blinked an eye at “Guys.”
“You know I think this is one of the best teams I’ve worked with anywhere.”
(You’re flattered, but you know it’s also not true.)
“But last night was, by far, the worst fiasco I have witnessed in all my years in this business.”
“Dylan -”
…Dylan is startled by the sound of his name…
“Do you know how difficult it is to get celebrities to come here to Bistro De Force?”
“I would guess ver-”
“That was a rhetorical question, Dylan. It’s really freakin’ hard.”
(At least Trish is keeping her New Year’s resolution about the cursing at work.)
“We’re on a street that is - literally - right across from another celebrity haunt. Last night, there was a group over there with Woody Harrelson sitting outside, under an awning, enjoying dinner. That’s what we’re competing with - one of the (if not the) hottest restaurant in this city, a hop, skip and a jump across the street.”
“So we have to be perfect - every time a non-famo comes in here, and every time a famo comes in here. Perfect.”
You hate when she says, “famo.”
“Dylan, were we perfect last night?”
“In what way ar-”
“That was rhetorical, Dylan. We were not perfect last night. Not in any of the ways. The second Matthew McConaughey arrived, he should’ve been greeted, we should have welcomed him in out of the rain, and taken his coat and umbrella, and offered to lead him to his usual table. But did we do that, Dylan?”
“Did we do which par-”
“Godda— I mean, gee, Dylan, that was rhetorical. We did not do any of that. Somehow, and I literally CAN FREAKIN’ NOT imagine how, Sophie decided to seat Mr. McC OUTSIDE in the FREAKIN’ rain.”
(Mr. McC?)
“Sophie, can you explain that decision to me?”
“Well, the tablet didn’t tell me it was raini—-”
“You’re blaming the tablet. For seating Mr. McC outside. In the rain. The tablet.”
“Yes, it didn’t sa—-”
“Now Josh, when you were told that your party was seated outside, where we do NOT have an awning, why didn’t you bring Mr. McC back INSIDE where it was not raining?”
“Because the outside seating was in my sect—-”
“Oh! Your section was outside in the rain, and that seemed perfectly OK with you?”
(silence)
“Answer me!”
“It seemed weird, but the tablet sai-”
“Oh, the TABLET said your section was outside in the rain! That was smart.”
“May I say something,” Josh asked.
(silence)
“I did think it was a little strange. But then I thought maybe ‘enjoys rainy tables’ was in his preferences in the tablet. And because I know that he’s a celebrity and a VIP here, I wanted to bring him out a little something special.”
“Something special,” Trish said, kinda spitting a little. “Like an amuse bouche?”
Josh did not know what an amuse bouche was.
“Well, like our special shrimp platter. 30 boiled shrimp piled high on a plate with a lemon. It’s everyone’s favorite, and I thought he would appreciate it.”
Trish gathered herself. “He. Did. Not. Appreciate. It.”
Josh interrupted.
“But everyone loves the shrimp platt-”
“NOT FREAKIN’ EVERYONE! Mr. McC has made it clear on his previous 3 visits that he does not like shrimp. Does. Not. Like. Shrimp. Josh, what have I told you about the tablet?”
“That it has everything we need to know about our visitors?”
(Mocking voice) “that it has everything we need to know about our visitors. YES! That we capture every single piece of information we could ever possibly know about our visitors. Mr. McC, for example, doesn’t like to sit outside in a driving rainstorm with a glass of water in front of him. How do I know that? BECAUSE I CHECKED THE TABLET! If you CHECKED THE TABLET you’d know that he doesn’t like to sit in the rain.”
[Grabs tablet. Starts tapping on it. Hard. Tap tap tap.]
“Right freakin’ here - ‘seating preferences.’ And under that, ‘please seat in area where it is not currently in a hurricane or other large storm.’ If you just looked in the tablet, you’d know. And right here under, ‘food preferences’ it says, ‘dislikes giant wet piles of shrimp.’ RIGHT HERE!"
[Trish gathers herself.]
“Team. We lost a customer last night. A good one. Worse than that - he was mocked by his friends, seated right across the street, while we failed to seat him in an area that was not ‘currently in a hurricane or other large storm.’ We failed when we brought him a giant plate of very wet shrimp. Failed. And that all happened under the watchful eye of Mr. McC’s closest friend. Of course he left without paying - he was embarrassed. And, frankly, I’m embarrassed…”
“Embarrassed that our software did not do a good enough job here. I’m surrounded by the greatest front-of-house staff to work at any restaurant in this city. Heck, the whole state. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t switch our software from our outdated tablet to an incredibly expensive system that would help us understand when someone wants to sit outside getting drenched, and when someone does not. And alert us to tell our customers who ARE seated in the rain, that they are welcome to come inside, where it is dry, and the shrimp are still wet, but less wet.”
“If there is anyone here who knows of any expensive, complex software system we can buy - preferably powered by AI…nay, must be powered by AI - to prevent this from ever - EVER - happening again, just let me know.”
…..
I think what bothers me so much is that there are 100 actual ways a CRM system could (conceivably?) help your restaurant. And they decided, instead, to try to be “funny.” (commercial funny, not actual funny). And not the good kind of commercial funny where the joke actually relates to the benefits of the product.
What I’m saying is this - I hope you hate this ad as much as I do.
A Corporate Name Change to Lull You to Sleep
Mattress hawker Tempur Sealy International Inc. changed its name to Somnigroup International Inc.:
In a press release, the CEO was quoted saying: “We are thrilled to announce a new name to our expanded vision. The name Somnigroup is derived from the Latin ‘somn’ meaning sleep, ‘omni’ meaning all, and ‘group’ to represent our omni-channel strategy. The name Somnigroup International reflects our position as a global holding company and provider of sleep solutions with a portfolio of outstanding businesses – Tempur Sealy, Dreams and Mattress Firm – as well as the future direction of the company...”
For those of us who love words and love marketing, that press release quote is a California-King-sized-mattress of gobbledy. My faves:
“Somn meaning sleep” (ok, I get that)
“Omni meaning all” (sure)
“ ‘Group’ to represent our omni-channel strategy.” (huh? ‘Group because grouper is found in the Great Lakes and our mattresses are great…’)
“Provider of sleep solutions” (they sell a glass of whiskey mixed with Ambien and an episode from the 3rd season of The Bear? That’s my preferred solution…)
As always, thanks for reading to the end. And thanks for letting me spend 2,000 words being annoyed at Salesforce. Cheaper than therapy, y’know?
I’m happy to talk to Gobbledy readers any time - if you’d like to chat about marketing or commercials you hate or how you fall asleep, here’s my Calendly link.
(And for those of you new here, I help software companies transform their messaging. Happy to chat about that too…)
Honestly, I'd probably seat someone in the rain, but that's because I'm a moron. And a restaurant seems like such chaos. I realize The Bear is a manufactured chaos, but I've eaten at plenty of restaurants and I have no idea how it all works. I feel like I'd just get so confused, I'd seat someone in the HVAC room or something.
This ad is infuriating, because you'd THINK that there would be no way that any restaurant staff would seat poor Matt McC out in the pouring rain. You assume that people have a basic level of common sense and ability to look out the freakin' window and use their brains despite what the AI says.
(And of course, if I was Matt McC and someone told me to go sit out in the pouring rain I'd tell them to fuck off. Matt! Where's your self-respect!?)
But at the same time... ChatGPT (likely) wrote this ad and then dozens of people got together and ACTUALLY filmed it. Including actual Matt McC himself. That's the wild part.
Did no one point out during the process of casting, filming and editing this video that the concept itself is just absolutely nonsensical and would never happen?! Or maybe someone did speak up, but enough people shut them down that filming continued and this thing got made.
That's the part that really gives me the wet-shrimp-ickies... not that this garbage concept was spewed out by an AI, but that a bunch of humans went ahead and carried on with filming the ad.
That's the REAL LIFE "blindly following AI without any common sense" fuck-up - and that's worse than the imaginary fuck-up because it really happened.