Making You a Job Offer You Can't Refuse

And maybe there just isn't a difference between a wellness company and a cult

Hello Gobbledeers,

How’s it going?

Did you know there was an eclipse on Monday? Why didn’t anyone write about that? Weird.

Today:

• A quick update on pizza.

• A job you can’t turn down.

• How to position your company so nobody confuses it for a cult.

• One toke under the line.

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A Faithful Pizza Hut, Part 2

One quick follow up from last week’s story about the dining club member who ordered a “faithful re-creation” of a Pizza Hut pizza (I can’t tell you how many people wrote me and wanted to know more about that. Well actually, I can tell you. The answer is zero.)

You may remember that that club was owned by the same people who owned expensive NYC Italian restaurant Carbone. Right after we broke the news about the faithful re-creation of the pizza (“broke the news” = “copied and pasted a few words from a New Yorker article”), the NY Post shared how some twenty-something Wall Streeters have had to make sacrifices because their bonuses aren’t as large as they were expecting:

One vice president at a large firm who has a one bedroom in the West Village, albeit a walkup, said after receiving even less this year than he did last year, he has tried to scale back the number of times he eats out to two nights a week instead of three or four.

At his favorite spots — Carbone where branzino costs $95…a dinner tab can quickly balloon to $300 or more and a drinks tab can easily hit $100 for a date.

Let’s say for a moment that our junior banker (who lives in the West Village, albeit in a walkup) has a branzino dinner & drinks with a lady friend (or 4 lady friends) 4 days a week at Carbone. It is, after all, one of his “favorite spots” (second only to “in bed with a lady” - finance humor!). So he’s spending $1600 a week on fish and drinks. A little back-o-the-envelope math suggests he’s spending (holy Christ!) $80,000 a year on dinner and drinks.

(That can’t be right, can it?)

So maybe - maybe! - the $30,000 initiation + $10,000 annual fee for the custom-prepared Pizza Hut doesn’t seem crazy? Is it possible a junior banker can SAVE money by joining the club? I feel like I’ve lived my life incorrectly.

Here’s a Club that Will Give YOU a Gift for Joining…

Well, Postal isn’t as much a “club” as it is a “gifting platform.” But at least with Postal you don’t have to eat branzino 4 times a week.

Our friends at Postal have been kind enough to support the Gobbledy Newsletter because, well, I mean, you all know how marketing works - they support it because they believe the types of people who read this newsletter are the types of people who also want to easily send gifts to prospects and customers, without having to deal with manually managing and tracking swag.

I’ve gotten gifts from Postal - it’s great because the Postal client just sent me an email, and I got to choose what I wanted. For example - I’m allergic to nuts (for real!). I don’t want a lovely-though-deadly gift basket filled with nut-riddled baked goods (NRBG, for short). Instead, I chose an assortment of beers. But maybe you want nut-riddled baked goods. Knock yourself out! That’s the power of Postal.

Now, the team at Postal wants to give you your “first taste of Postal” by sending you a fun gift box, no strings attached*.

(*Well, actually there are a few strings. They’re the same strings as last week - but that hasn’t stopped a bunch of you from deciding you wanted to learn more about Postal - you should! Anyway, they want 30 minutes of your time to show you why Postal is better than whatever you’re using now to send things (think corporate gifts, wine, food, or any of those “cool” branded items your CEO wants you to make that are sitting in the back of your utility closet).

And if you’re NOT using anything to send gifts, you’re in for a treat when you see how easy Postal makes it to send gifts.

GET YOUR DEMO OF POSTAL AND A FREE GIFT

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This Is the Best Job Description

I know that many folks in the tech world have been let go over the last year or so as companies shrink themselves into better financial situations. That can sure be tough on people. So tough that you might be thinking of a change in career.

Maybe you were a product marketer and now you’ve been out of work for a few months. And you see a job posted for a Chief of Staff role and you think, “well, maybe change could be good for me.”

And then you read the full job description. And maybe there are red flags.

“In the first 90 days, the new Chief of Staff will need to figure out who the CEO is and get to know him inside and out.” (Ew.)

How’s the work life balance?

“CEO usually works between 8am to 8pm EST…You will be managing all the CEO’s calendars, meetings, travel, etc. so need to keep track of everything on a timely basis, regardless of if it is before or after your normal work hours or a weekend. Need someone who is basically available 24/7.”

Sounds reasonable! Can you tell me a bit more about the CEO I’d be working for?

“Currently, he runs five fintech businesses in various stages, generating hundreds of millions of dollars yearly... He is a very big thinker, always looking to evolve and learn. He is self-made and self-taught. Never went to college. He is crazy about learning.”

Hm, OK. I’m not sure why he didn’t go to college if he is “crazy about learning,” but I don’t run 5 fintech businesses in various stages, what do I know? So, how often would you say he optimizes himself?

“He optimizes himself daily. Reads a book a week. He can become frustrated and irritated with people that don’t bother to double check their own work, take too long to figure things out, make up excuses, need to be told what to do, or aren’t considerate of others.”

(Or aren’t considerate of others. Also you’ll need to be basically available 24/7. Considerately. Hahahahahahahahha.)

I’ve been looking to work for someone who optimizes himself daily. That’s not a euphemism is it? Never mind.

(Also, grammar nerds, that would be “who don’t bother to double check” not “that don’t bother to double check.” I guess this person didn’t bother to double check.)

“He is an inspiring leader, a good mentor, and a strong decision maker…he is truly a really nice, personable and smart guy that has works very hard. He is very smart, thoughtful, strategic, direct, curious, fast learner and a good listener.”

Can you tell me some of the requirements of this role?

“Must be able to manage his calendar, schedule meetings, keep him on track and make sure he still has time for the important people and priorities in his personal life. (He is an avid fitness enthusiast working out twice a day and he is very social.)”

Just confirming - he runs 5 businesses and works out twice a day. Yes? OK good. Any other requirements I should know?

“Bachelor’s degree required. Post Graduate degree is a plus. However, experience and curiosity is most important. The CEO never went to college. He is totally self-taught. He reads a book a week.”

Yes, you mentioned the book a week.

Seriously, the whole description is worth a read.

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A Cult, A Plan, A Canal, Panama

One of the themes of this newsletter is that positioning is very difficult, and that’s why companies tend not to think about it, and that leads to gobbledy, and that leads to confusion in the market.

Confusion in the market certainly is - to put it mildly (and also obviously) - not helpful for driving revenue. If Airbnb were positioned as an alternative to all hotel stays, a businessperson may be disappointed to find, for example, that there’s no concierge to make them a reservation at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse (or wherever middle managers eat when they’re in Knoxville). Which is why, as we talked about last week, Airbnb markets itself as a better alternative to hotels for specific situations, like when you have children with you.

But confusion in the market isn’t really the worst possible outcome of poor positioning. In fact, a few months ago we talked about whether a marketing agency was also a cult. Being viewed as a cult - instead of as a company that can help you create marketing campaigns - well, that seems like it would be maybe the worst possible outcome.

Tho kinda rare, no? I mean, how many companies could do such a poor job of describing what they do and how they fit in a market that people think that they’re not a company, but a cult?

I guess the answer is “two.”

I know that the NY Post isn’t necessarily known for their strict copy editing standards, but I don’t know why ‘orgasm’ is in quotes. I could understand “orgasm sex cult,” but why isn’t “sex cult” in quotes?

Is it possible OneTaste is a sex cult, but not, specifically, an “orgasm sex cult”? I don’t know. Also, is that redundant?

It’s also a bit odd that the unnamed attorney is brushing off some sort of grooming allegations (I assume that’s “grooming in order to have carnal relations with someone” rather than “grooming in order to make your skin and hair look better,” though as a “wellness” company I guess it could go either way?)

And a tiny wee little bit odd that the attorney mentions SoulCycle & Crossfit, both of which faced their own sets of allegations around sexual harassment and coercion (SoulCycle) and sexual harassment (Crossfit).

Anyway, I guess if Shimmer can be both a floor wax AND a dessert topping (you cow!), then why can’t OneTaste be both an orgasm sex cult AND a wellness company?

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This Has Nothing to Do with Marketing…

But I’m very annoyed that not a single one of the several thousand of you Gobbledy readers ever thought to share with me this clip of Gail Farrell and Dick Dale on the Lawrence Welk Show singing the 1970s ode to sitting around and getting high ‘One Toke Over the Line.’

At the end Welk calls it a “a modern spiritual.” Indeed.

You’re welcome.

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As always, thanks for reading to the end.

I really, really enjoy chatting with readers, which is why I include a link to sign up for a 25 minute chat: Here’s my Calendly link. How do these usually go? We’ll spend 5 minutes BS’ing, then 20 minutes going through your site and you’ll get some ideas about how to make it better. Why wouldn’t you sign up for that?

And lastly, I’ve been doing a bunch of workshops around messaging, and the outcome is that your homepage will be SO much clearer. They’re 2 days. In person is best. If you want your homepage to be clearer, we should chat. You can reply to this newsletter, use that Calendly link, or email me at jared@sagelett.com.

And lastly lastly, if you want to reach an audience of marketing people, you can do no better than advertising in Gobbledy. That native ad above was pretty good, no? (Everyone loves humility.) Anyway, if you want to reach an engaged audience of marketing people, let’s chat about advertising opportunities. I’m still at jared@sagelett.com.